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Thursday, March 30, 2017

why you hurt someone you love?

assalamualaikum, bismillah.

'I don't know what's my fault. I'm tired of this. I can't hold it to myself anymore. if you think you'll be happier without my presence, I'm more than happy to leave. I don't mind, as long as things will get better. I'm not giving up,  I need to find my strength again'

'I'm sorry for every misery I've caused you, I didn't mean to and every time I hurt you, I hurt myself as well. I'm not enjoying it. thank you for putting up with my stupidities and ridiculousness and I don't think I will find anyone else who's willing to go through all this trouble for me. I am so grateful to have u in my life. I truly am'

that's really hurt both sides.
the one who think by distance herself can make things better.
and the one who hurt unintentionally.

....................

why you hurt someone you love
again and again?

and why people who love us hurt us the most
again and again?

for this particular reason, I'm afraid to get into any serious relationship.
thus, I refused it for so many times. 

can we just be nice and kind to everyone?
I feel more secure in that sense. won't allow any attachment towards people.
value everyone else, but value myself too.

say it 'you're coward'. you're right. I truly am.
sometimes I'm not strong enough to fight it.
maybe I'm not ready. just not yet.

perhaps, what I'm afraid is, when the time you become significant in my life, any innocent remark or action in a manner that you did not intend can be so hurtful for me. probably it's true, we experience disappointment and frustration in a situation we value the most.

it has been said that complete blissful love does not exist.
o-kay.
would that mean to love is to make oneself vulnerable in ways that enhance the possibility of pain?

it's so sad to know someone who deliberately hurt someone they love.
it's really sad to know someone who is willing to bear all the pain for the sake of love.

to love is to suffer?
but then one suffers by not loving?

if love means suffer..

I would rather choose not to fall in love and not been loved by anyone.

'you're selfish' 'you're heartless' -you said.

I'm not saying everything should be perfect. 
that's not the case. 

when you're in love even small things, an ordinary thing can make you happy. I know it all. love is just a magic!

just,
one thing;
if you really love someone wholeheartedly -you said
then..
you should have the courage to fight for it.
fight for it. till the end. 

as simple as
if you hurt them; intentionally or not,
fight for it; by killing your ego and say 'sorry'

if you're at your disappointment peak, or at the end of hope - you think
fight for it; by holding yourself from just leaving~

if you're soo angry
fight for it: take a step back, restrain yourself from uttering words that you know you'll regret it one day.

calm yourself, have sabr, seek Allah's guidance.

when you get you sanity back, talk about it. Don't just keep it to yourself. you're killing yourself without realising it if you do so. say what you feel to the one you love (remember? you love them) with a pure intention that you want to improve the situation. in ways that you want things to get better. in ways that you want your relationship becomes stronger. in ways that you want to grow your love till hereafter.

and last but not least
fight for it; by having the courage to let go someone who distance you from Him.

if you don't think you're able to do that,
or you're not willing to do that either,
you're (i am) not a true lover.

...................

could you live without love, my dear? - you asked.
I really don't know. it's too complex. and it's so hard than I thought it would be.

Tuesday, March 28, 2017

Exam penutup.

assalamualaikum, bismillah.

ya, kurang sebulan nak final exam, aku dah terjatuh atas ketidakmampuan menepati janji menulis selalu, hatta membuat jurnal study. huaa. sungguh pantas masa berlalu T__T

masa benar2 mencemburui,
dan aku sering rasa terhimpit T__T

kadang menangis tanpa sebab,
rasa mampukah nak habiskan ke garisan penamat? Allahu..
aku hanya mahu pulang. rindu tanah air sudah menggigit.
tapi,
terlalu banyak kesangsian pada diri sendiri :(
sungguhlah hinanya diri..

syukur, punya Tuhan
nikmatnya rasa bertuhan.
kalau tidak, tidak tahulah mana tujuan.

sering aku berbisik pada diri sendiri sebelum mengangkat takbir,
segala yang aku risaukan dan bimbangi, yang terlalu aku mahukan dan inginkan,
semuanya kecil jika dibanding kuasa Tuhan.
Allahuakbar. Allah Maha Besar

bawalah jiwa aku terbang, 
kurniakan aku ketenangan
pinjamkan aku kekuatan.




jadi inilah markah-markah yang ingin dikumpul pada tahun terakhir ini. disebalik itu, usaha-usaha yang dilakukan moga menjemput redha Tuhan. kadang menangis, tertanya Kau redha ke dengan apa yang aku lakukan ini? sungguh, kadang terasa hanya hidup mengejar berorientasikan exam. astaghfirullah..

InsyaAllah exam akan bermula tak lama lagi, sangat memerlukan doa orang sudi menitipkan :)

yang sudah dilalui : Long case medicine, surgery, geriatric, & General Practice ; moga Allah cukupkan.

Dan yang akan datang..

13 April 2017 : OSCE Paeds
18 April 2017 : Essay , EMQ Paeds
20 April 2017 : MCQ & Data interpretation Medicine and General Practice
24 April 2017 : Short Answer Question Surgery
26 April 2017 : Essay & MCQ ObsGynae
~3-12 May 2017 : Shortcase Medicine & Surgery, Long case ObsGynae.

moga Allah mudahkan.

sikit lagi.
sabarlah sikit, dan kuatkan kesabaran.
mohon doa,