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Thursday, May 4, 2017

assalamualaikum, bismillah.

lama aku mengambil masa untuk menulis.
menulis adalah satu terapi, tapi tidaklah lebih baik daripada menyendiri, setulusnya bercerita segala isi hati dengan Tuhan.

semakin hari kadang-kadang aku merasakan aku semakin tidak mengenali diri sendiri.

' i don't know what's wrong with me, sometimes I can be too positive, sometimes I can be too negative ' - aduan pada teman

'takpelah, that makes you human'

' if this situation makes you closer to Him, that's good'

I keep telling myself, setiap takdir dan rasa yang kita alami, tidak pernah lari dari kebijaksanaanNya. terlalu mudah untuk bercakap, lebih dari memahaminya. I hate it when i put too much expectations on myself, and would not tolerate for less. slowly, i'm dying inside.

I can accept other's weakness, (yeah, i'm learning tho. penat dah dengar people and even my parents cakap i'm perfectionist! what? stop it.  i'm not perfectionist. i think, i'm just overthink.  apa bendalah kau ni huda -.-)

but I still can't accept my own mistakes. what an irony!

bila kita rasa, kita buat something not right, then kita akan lagi down lagi down lagi down..
dan cycle itu akan berulang. dan kita semakin rasa useless. 

'awak ni memang jenis cepat rasa bersalah kan?'
'awak ni, memang kalau dah buat sesuatu baru akan fikir eh?'

perhaps, learn to forgive our own self is the hardest!

the day bila aku rasa aku tak nak buat apa yang aku rasa nak buat. i can't cope with people's expectation anymore. i can't please everyone, i'm tired of this. abi said :

' abi sokong apa saja pilihan '

aku menangis lagi.

the day bila aku down sangat, i feel like a failure. i feel like quitting.. abi said;

'alhamdulillah..'

aku menangis lagi. 
malunya pada Rabbi. saat lupa untuk bersyukur.

bukan senang nak mengaku kita ni lemah. mengaku kita ni gagal. its not easy.
nak open up, seek for help, jauh lagi susah.
lagi-lagi bila orang rasa kita bukan jenis lemah, bukan jenis mengalah. tapi heyy who knows?

kadang-kadang aku rasa bila membesar dengan 'nampak okay' (tak adalah okay sangat haha),
bila part tak okay tu, kita (orang lain pun hihi) jadi kurang pandai nak handle.
dan kadang-kadang aku seolah tidak pandai menanggapi kehidupan. 

dan probably, I'll learn this the hardest way.
trust Him, pick yourself up, heal your own wound and carry on, huda :)

fasa peperiksaan yang menstresskan (aku dah banyak kali bagitahu, tak tahulah kenapa. tapi aku stress sangat dengan exam ni T_T) saatnya aku mentadabbur surah Ali Imran.. on point. kalam Tuhan to make me sane. Drama sungguh.

storms don't last forever. everything shall pass.
and these words are nice:

Trusting Allah (swt) doesn't mean only thinking well of Him when you're in times of ease. It also doesn't mean only turning to Him in times of hardship.
Trusting Him is a full time commitment. It's knowing that there MUST be good in everything He sends your way, whether you can see it or not.
It's knowing that as uncertain as you feel in your life, He is going to bring you to the doorsteps where you must be. And you will enter when that door opens, and you will never be disappointed in what He grants you.
Trust Him in the light and in the dark. - Asmaa Hussein

p/s : rasanya bila banyak sangat masa untuk diri sendiri, asyik fikir diri sendiri, tu jadi banyak sangat konflik. huuuhuh alahai...!

Faghfirlana ya rabb
Allahumma ballighna Ramadhan, 

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